i told my grandma i broke up with my boyfriend. her reply " you need to play the field more anyway"
She described it as "a squirrel being hit by a hurricane"
It was like some kind of slut recycling operation. She gave me the shirt of the last guy she slept with in exchabge for mine so I didn't have to wear the same thing to work. She's been doing it for years
i drunkenly decided i was going to take down all the male cheerleaders, gay or not. 1 down about 10 more to go.
Is it bad that my only regret is fucking on the bathroom floor and not the sink?
to whom it may concern. if i am dead in colleens bed it is not her fault i slept in my scarf. my dads middle name is ronald.
Nothing like running into your favorite bartender in the middle of the afternoon while stone cold sober and being told your grabbed his penis the last time you were at his bar. My bad.
Technically my penis started a fight tonight
I'm always drunk lately
Now I'm in a game of hide and seek in Sears
I like to think it's an accomplishment that I can relate my life to a T-pain song
After that song played in the club all he kept drunkenly saying was "Birdman goes brrrrrr"
I just walked past a guy banging a chick in the back of his car.
I have an interview tomorrow! The couple we regularly swing with said I could use them as references. Winning
#tbt to when you let me put plastic wrap on your balls and hum a little song
Spencer just told me I got home and was opening beers with my teeth and trying to make pot butter
Randomize
