I admire a woman who can maintain dignity while puking after too much whiskey
since when did accompanying a guy to a wedding mean that anal was required that night?
you went up to their shower, tripped in it, accidentally turned it on and then claimed that you like to "test everyone's showers"
I just used my 7th grade year book to figure out who I hooked up with last night. Being home is magical.
Some drunk couple just made out on the sidewalk and it reminded me some sweet moments we have shared...
I love that the power of margaritas brought us back together.
It's ok. Rob's just shotgunning upside down.
There is a large, jolly black gentleman in the parking lot of my appartment complex yelling about 5am jelly doughnuts. I want to be where he's at.
so today, i decided to say "fuck it" to mental stability, take a klonopin and wear a blanket toga. New Girl is on Netflix, nothing could go wrong.
Wellp yesterday was spent absurdly hungover and today was spent in planned parenthood so I hope that's not an indication of the year to come
People will say "JOE YOU MUST TURN DOWN" and I will refuse, in the name of liberty.
Your dog took my vibrator out to the yard
He pretended his dick was a samurai sword and that he was slaying me with it is it bad I still wanted him to fuck me
I just caught my bangs on fire trying to lite a bowl while driving. Thank god it wasn't my eyebrows like last time.
HE'S FUCKING 19 YEARS OLD, HE CAN'T EVEN GET INTO A BAR WITH ME, WHAT MAKES YOU THINK I'LL LET HIM IN MY PANTS?!
Randomize
