Last night I fell down in the street (I think in someone's vomit), cut my knee up, lost my moms necklace and my license, and had to walk back to the hotel.
My recently uploaded pictures to facebook: Me partying on Beale St. with a single girl on each arm. Ex's recently upload pictures: Several pictures of cats. I win.
she sounds like chewbacca in bed
Wow. Thanks for becoming another fan of something on Facebook. You make me want to gouge my eyes out.
My vagina can tell he is in a metal band. I dont know if I can sit down.
Are you alive?
I googled "I don't want to vomit anymore," and "how to rip out your uvula," at 9 am this morning, but I'm still here. Uvula and all.
$645 later, she's throwing up in my washroom and asking for a cab. Hooker are soooo much cheaper.
Dude, Donte totally wants it. I don't have any idea how I do it. I'm not even cool. I'm not even the hero Gotham deserves. I'm barely high. My hands are swelling. Want me to pick you up anything from five guys?
Apparently my Ambien addled brain last night actually did decide to go ahead and photoshop you into various animal and human molesting scenarios. That's a hell of a thing to wake up to.
Awkward is sitting in your parking spot and making eye contact with every one of your next door neighbors two hours before you have a threesome.
I want a battle ostrich, get me a battle ostrich and then come and make love to me
His whole street is under construction. Third walk of shame this week & I'm getting a lot of sympathetic nods from the workers.
Hey, how are you?
No. You're dead to me, you hamster stealing slutbag.
I am at the car wash dressed as a turn of the century librarian
I just read my D.A.R.E. essay from 5th grade. I'm having mixed feelings about my previous life choices right now.
Randomize
