Sooo... I woke up in the shower this morning. It was on.
So I'm playing pool in my cowboy boots and some guy came up looks at my boots and goes, "you should've got the boots with the fur"
Soo i just shotgunned a water balloon...
Today I realized that I've had whole drunk relationships with people. And sober me has and wants no part in it.
wouldve been great, if we lived in constant slow motion cause that shit lasted 30 seconds and half the time he was putting on the condom
I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
the line runs infront of fredricks of hollywood. it's like gamestop is showing me how pathetic I am.
she laid there and continued moaning loudly for like 10 minutes after we were done, just so that her mom would be jealous
Nothing like hearing a USA chant while getting head. God bless America.
Wait, is this the kid that tried catching a bat in your backyard with a flashlight and a ball of tin foil?
Well going home with a Ralph Lauren model helped me get over him real fuckin' quick. Would recommend it for all women going through breakups
This Halloween will be different. I'm just here to get shitfaced, not troll around looking for slutty nun pussy.
I'm unsure as to how you were able to snapchat me with your hands duck taped to beer, but I appreciated it nonetheless.
I balled in the shower for 20 minutes, rolled up to the meeting late looking like a gremlin, and my one night stand was standing there in a suit
well, shes hot as hell, but she does keep saying she's the president of the loch ness monster's fan club, so that's kinda a red flag...
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