Yea well when i pee it makes steam.
I don't want to smoke with her when she's on adderall. She carved her pumpkin for four hours & didn't say a word.
I don't remember what happened but judging from the contents of my pockets it had something to do with potatoes and glo in the dark condoms
I kind of drew a blank when the doctor asked me how I got super glue up my nose.
How am I so hungover that wearing sunglasses hurts my head?
I just blocked a guy on grindr for having a little dick. See? I do have standards.
I woke up and they were watching power rangers in japanese so I just found my bra and left
Ugh why can't people just be grateful for my penis
I woke up this morning and I had the absolutely horrific realisation that I am the human incarnation of scrappy doo
DO NOT THROW SOUP AT YOUR SCREEN
My neighbor is burning all of her ex's things in a metal drum outside the window. Guess who's going to make a new friend?
There is a goat eating lettuce out of our fridge. Do you wanna grab a bloody mary?
So I heard her yell at him and I went downstairs to find he had lit up each one of my smokes and taken just one drag off each and had em lined up on the table. She says he "experiments" when on Ambien.
Unless you count my weekly workout where I drink wine, listen to obscure/cheesy records, and pretend I'm a ballerina...no. I don't exercise.
I wrote notes to myself all over my body. "don't yell at cops again" "Cody stole your phone" "you kissed Cody" "vodka shots are bad for your liver" and "cactus pretty" WTF????
Randomize
