Scared. last time someone tried to talk me into they said it tastes like tapioca and i projectiled onto a closed window
instead of telling him i dont hook up with closet frat guys, i gave him his "straight' fraternity brothers number... pike house will be interesting tonight
An alarm set every 45 minutes saying "FATTY" and one every afternoon saying "CASPER" every day until spring break is a foolproof plan to being bikini ready
She wants an explanation of my cousins creepy foot fetish with my god sister. i don't know how I can sum this up in a text.
I've been practicing for you. Including stockpiling medical supplies for curing hangovers.
Apparently she buried shit in the snow back in January and now that it's melted I found a flip flop, 4 spoons, a bottle of smirnoff, and 14 different candy bars
I drunkenly took 3 laxatives last night since I felt fat.... this is going to be a rough morning
Now in just stoned listening to my dads philosophical idea about public transit
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
Halfway through the night I was hiding in a trashcan. Then I "sobered" up and ran around the house throwing change because I wanted to make my last moments of 2013 charitable.
You don't realize how cold it really is...I poured my bong out the second floor window and icicles hit the ground.
He told me we shouldn't hang out because it would be weird and then snap chatted me a picture of his dick
Well its all fun and games until you get naked with your ex in the shower. that's NOT flirting
I dont understand why so many people are content staying in and avoiding alcohol and sex
A drunk and bleeding peter is knocking on your door... in nothing more than a sombrero, boxers and cowboy boots.
Randomize
