3:40 am: you never wrote back on my facebook wall
No better way to find a friend than to offer cyber sex and see what happens
I woke up this morning with 2 australian chicks passed out in my living room, a whole bunch of coke on my kitchen counter and I have no idea how the fuck either thing got there
We're exchanging pot brownie recipes in my substance abuse class. This is going to be an awesome 7 weeks.
you sat up and said "i'm the worst kind of roommate, the drunk kind"
I'm sorry that spending new years with you was fucking my boyfriend in your bathroom multiple times
and then some norwegians asked us to be in their porno.
Found our threesome girl. She says I'm pretty. She doesn't know I'm pregnant. Yet. Think we can pull it off?
I'm in the city buying alcohol. I just got warned by a homeless man on the street that I shouldn't look so pretty "in these parts"
My life is a joke. Told everyone last night that they could call me Mrs. McCormick because I'm gonna end up alone with a handle of peach vodka anyways.
Because its Monday... And I'm determined to just be drunk for the rest of the semester
The most humiliating part was that I farted while he was tasing me.
Would seriously like to slash his tires but then I feel like I'd have to deal with him longer.
I was asked last night if Magnum makes a XXL..... I don't think I've ever broken this many condoms in my life
Some mornings I close deals. Other mornings I puke out my window while I’m driving down the highway
Randomize
