Theres this fat girl in desperate need of the proactive factory in my class and as i watch her shovel food in her face I am struggling to not only keep down my meager lunch but also to stay straight. Eliza Dushku couldnt even get my flacid dick to move
I misunderstood what a threesome is. Please come pick me up.
yeah, it's no longer just 'day drinking' when it's 5pm and you're knocking over fruit displays at fresh market
Dude, I had to masturbate just to stay warm. Please pay the gas bill?
yeah, she started doing yoga and cocaine....looks good on her.
Im the macgyver of cooling down beers. The toilet tank was blocked so I couldn't use it.....
I WAS a history major. I also WAS a functioning human being. Fuck gin.
I was so high the sounds of a cricket drove me out of my home at 4am.... Boo that fucking cricket
I just explained my sex life to the "if you give a moose a muffin" book... Is that weird?
So apparently when I'm drunk and want water I pant like a dog and expect to have water given to me..
I sent him a cookie cake that said "Congratulations you're not a father"
Any idea why my ass cheeks are bruised again?
The fact that theyre bruised AGAIN means you're not adult enough to know why.
Sooooooo, can scratch getting a pelvic exam by a man dressed as Woody from Toy Story off my list.
You need to write an essay about this experience.
He was even wearing the hat.
I just had to explain to my grandma what a reach-around is. Too far..
I love millennial parents. One of the moms at the daycare center literally told me she and her husband named two of her kids after batman characters and one after game of thrones
Randomize
