put your party hat on. and by party hat I mean no panties
I think I just was a dick to Paul Rudd.
I got so many pubes stuck in her braces that when she yanked her head, I cried out like that one girl you "accidentally" rear-ended last week. Bald spots are battle scars.
I don't know what kind of drugs you were on last night but you kept trying to highlight my face because you said I was important
she texted him the burrito order while she was puking in the Del Taco parking lot...
Its mothers day and I have choke marks around my neck. Thanks for that.
Nope. Can't afford girlfriends. Still looking for the 25 year old bisexual tripled who owns a brewery or a casino.. the search continues....
In your drunken glory you promised me, tongue, 12 naked pics, and 1,800 breakfasts.
We've started traveling with Michael and Patrick so we can pretend we're two legit straight couples.
A charade that fell apart the second another couple on the cruse found Sarah face down in my box on an observation deck.
So I just noticed that my last drunk google search before going to bed last night was "ghosts based on gays." I have no idea what that's supposed to mean
I recall trading my iPhone watch for a carton of Marlboros.
This is like the first time all week I've properly taken my birth control. My ovaries are so stoked I just know it.
Why is there a wet sock in my garbage? Why did I chug so much red wine? Why was someone signing into my iCloud account at 4 am in China? Why do I do self-destructive reckless things? So many questions.
At about 2:30 i found you passed out in my closet with your face covered in cheese whiz
stop texting me about your public sex.
says she who narrated getting eaten out in a movie theatre over text to me
Randomize
