Went to bed at 4 in a strangers bed. woke up wearing scrubs, realized i was gonna be late for work so i just wore the same clothes as the day before... i don't have a toothbrush and im pretty sure there is leftover semen in my mouth. at some point i think i was at the beach cuz theres is sand in my underwear. i love newport already.
He told me that he wishes our relationship was more like prison: less touching, more butt sex.
I was mid-pee and he walked in, claimed he was looking for his phone, and then asked if we could hook up since we were finally alone.
so yall hooked up?
Funny how often beer equates to second degree burns on some portion of my body.
Exactly how does jacking off in my purse count as a 'early christmas present'?
I'm having a flashback of telling a guy that he was beautiful and graceful like a unicorn while playing shuffleboard.
so my mom thinks I'm picking you up just to go buy you liquor before you go back to school tomorrow...
I'm ashamed that your mom thinks I haven't already taken care of that.
Just saw Santa sitting on a restaurant patio drinking beer and using his free hand to gesture to cars that he's watching them
She's impossible to please. Other than with two fingers and a tongue.
HOLY SHIT. I JUST FOUND OUT THAT THE KARL/RORY BASEBALL FIGHT THAT RORY LOST WAS 2 YEARS AGO TODAY. RIP KARL'S DICK.
I FOUND THE LEGS
Why so philosophical about cake and sex this morning?
Does the term "on fleek" apply to dicks or just eyebrows?
Got her pregnant in a minivan. Circle of life.
Just set the kids up with doughnuts downstairs so I could go up and masturbate uninterrupted. I am such a good mom.
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