I'm a simple man, with a social life most psychopaths would cringe at
i'm 85% sure that if you don't visit me i will do something awkward and potentially dangerous to you in your sleep involving chocolate milk and a sham-wow.
The guy at McDonald's just told us there is no flash photography allowed.
Forgot that I saved my paper as "Eat Shit Edwards" and e-mailed it because I missed class. I'm sure Prof. Edwards will be delighted when she gets it. I don't anticipate a passing grade.
Still bad at ganbling. Still good at dringing.
i just called. the lady was really nice. something tells me my schools clinic gets a lot of calls about chlamydia
If you get me so fucked up I can't use the microwave , I'm going to be so mad at you
New low, passed out while taking a shit for an hour with my parents home, suprised they didnt notice
I took the weekend off because he and I were supposed to go to Vegas for our anniversary and get a hooker remember?
Ah, yes. Who says romance is dead?
I saw pigeons eating ur dried up puke today. Last night was fucking great
We are going to the humane society and getting you microchipped so you don't get lost on your birthday. Either that or your getting a child leash
Hey, I think I showed you a picture of my nephew while we were fucking last night. Sorry, I know it's weird, I just really love that kid. Again, sorry.
Plus my dignity needs a night alone with me.... Oh that's right. I lost it last night
Dude you were so wasted you thought a fake electric candle was real and tried to light your cig with it. Multiple times.
Honestly, you can’t tell the whole sorority he has a donkey dick and expect that no one would sleep with him after you broke up
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