i want two things in life...emily to stop talking and a block of cheese.
I'm in that stage of denial where I hope our kids have his nose.
You do realize that you broke up with him, right?
A guy in a big stork costume just came to our meeting to give us condoms and t-shirts telling us not to get pregnant. Only at college
you thought your tounge was "malfunctioning" because every time u spoke it wouldnt sit still.
Dont judge me. He may have been ugly but he was INCREDIBLE. He's like the Susan Boyle of sex.
You're always adorable, but when you're drunk, you're like Chia Pet adorable.
Oh god I may vomit into the teacup of debauchery.
As he walked by me and gave me his dreamy smile full of dimples all i could think was 'I gave you chlamydia'.
Just walked in on him banging another girl. He told me " sorry but I'm gonna finish now that I'm caught" ...... I think this is the reason god gave me four older brothers....
I swear to god he's making pineapple onions and cheese. He thinks he's making eggs onions and cheese
So I just realized I have three bananas, seven condoms, three lube packets, three tampons, and a shot glass in my bag but no pen #modelstudent
I am still awake. And let me sing you the song of my people. Ahem. "I have a bottle of hydrocodone and you all can fuck off."
You need to somehow incorporate the phrase "these hoes ain't loyal" into your best man speech.
Thank you for trusting your ovaries to me
You have to get it done early. Like a dick drive by. Hit it and run.
Randomize
