I think I'm maturing; i was gonna watch porn and then take a nap but i motivated myself to put my laundry in first.
Just got arrested at PF changs. Happy New year, China
keep an eye on me. i'm afraid that after a few more drinks i'll ask to borrow his wheelchair.
okay, this game isn't funny anymore. tell us where all the forks are.
im honestly just eating salsa and looking at his penis
They found a chair, duct taped me to it, then gave me a bottle of vodka to 'make me feel at home'
My grandmother cheats at beer pong and has been rubbing her tainted victory in my face for an hour now.
Thanks man, but unless some hot chick comes in to work with a case of beer and offers me a head job, I'm pretty much screwed for New Years
You offered me some of your "Jungle Juice." It was just 151 and Absinthe. I don't know how you are still alive.
HE GAVE ME ONE OF HIS BEERS.
YOU'RE THE CHOSEN ONE.
Martha Stewart has had a one night stand and is unsure if she's had a threesome. I no longer feel slutty.
I thought my neighbors locked me out of the building. Then I remembered I was drunk. PUSH AND TURN.
If you don't turn up on horseback dressed like a highwayman I am not having sex with you today
He was gone for 5 minutes, opened the car door and said, "Don't eat my shit." and dropped Chipotle on the passenger seat. He was gone for another 10 minutes and came back with Coldstone. That stoned.
What you have to understand is that our lives aren't a disappointment so much as they crashed and burned with lethal doses of radiation and dog shit.
Randomize
