god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
All I remember was yelling at him, "Its becasue of people like you that it took us so long to get to the moon!"
I listened to the last 10 minutes of that 20 minute voicemail, it's solid gold. At one point he literally suggests we buy tasers and go around shooting people.
She called picking up at 2pm a matinee drug deal.
I will always remember that night by waking up in that tablecloth the next morning
Sorry I can't go bowling with you guys. I'm getting daytime dick. That's the best kind.
Woke up naked on a bed full of money, doughnuts, and keys that weren't mine. Unsent dick pick on phone, and cheap cigar butt on my pillow. Also...I maybe hotwired my car.
I think I'm making a tradition of going to every funeral with at least one sex-related bruise. I don't know how this happened.
So how exactly do I backtrack from motorboating and ass grabbing?
Why are friend nudes not more of a thing? My tits look awesome right now.
You tell anyone I'm rocking out to Pitbull in an economy, base-model car, I'll kill you.
Dude I asked him to get me beef jerky at 4 am and he actually walked to CVS to get it. CVS closes at 12 but it was the perfect opp to dip out
He told me that after two hours of fucking he feels as though his dick wants to detach from his body and go to Mexico..
The worst thing about buying this extremely comfortable bed is that once I get a girl into it, all she wants to do is sleep. I want my fucking money back.
She was blacked out at her own party. It felt good to stand next to her while she laid on the floor and say "vomit does not look good on you."
Randomize
