I was just tapping my foot in the bathroom at Penn Station just PRAYING for anonymous sex. You know how that goes.
my roommate just said, "don't look at it, just put it iin your mouth"
I'm Still in a robe trying to piece together 3-7am I'll be there in a few
that beer fried lasagna last night was sooo good
that wasnt beer fried lasagna, you just poured beer on my lasagna
The only reason we got away with streaking last time was cuz we had those miner hats
Think of this as an opportunity. Like Jesus just opened up his closet, and inside is an endless supply of huge, beautiful cock.
Its official the day you get back into town we are having a going away to jail party for me. My last wish before prison is to shit faced drunk with you, get into a fist fight, and then cuddle up and fall asleep. Just like old times <3
I need a nap, Harry Potter movies, and dick in this exact order after work.
My hair tie broke, stole my one-night stands daughters pink sparkly one. BEST hair-tie I have ever used...
I woke up cuddling a ham. That's not a euphemism. I actually slept with an entire ham.
I'm drunk and in a paddle boat and my friend won't quit yelling about pandas. Does this ever happen to you?
I just got a text from a stranger offering to shave my asshole. I've been sober and out of town for a week, are you using my number as a dial-a-dumping again?
There's a lady rapping at me about making healthy food choices. She lives in a refrigerator. This is not okay with me
Shelly has the weirdest luck. Dude offered her a job riding a bucking bronco and it was not porn or stripping but an actual g-d cow.
I forgot to bring soap and all I could find here was body wash. It's like bathing with laundry detergent.
Randomize
