I'm gonna stay in bed all day and watch porn in an attempt to stay warm.
I'm drinking and throwing an enormous tennis ball at children. I couldn't be happier.
i'm about to tell me dad "sorry staying in isnt an option. i'm fucking a marine tonight."
I just found a tail you can wear naked. Via a butt plug. Who ever said the internet was a good thing?
In a weird way, I don't want to stalk him on Facebook. I want to find out what's wrong with him the old-fashioned way. Is this what it means to be romantic?
I just watched our fat male neighbor dibble a soccer ball across the lawn. It looked like Baywatch with diabetes
When she asked why I felt bad I said that it may have had something to do with the gin and cold pizza I had for breakfast.... And then I reflected on what my life has become.
Just saw a man downtown with a cat just riding on his shoulder like a furry parrot. He may be homeless, but I think he's your soul mate.
How did you get him out of the shower last time?
Order Taco Bell and leave a trail of burritos leading to his bed.
I think you'll be amused to know that I achieved the impossible feat of tripping over my own dick
FIND ME A DICK TO RIDE THAT HOPEFULLY IS ATTACHED TO A CUTE PERSON AND NICE PERSONALITY
CHALLENGE ACCEPTED. Is it okay if I only get 2 out of 3?
The D is nonnegotable.
When we left, you were on your third beer. When we came back to grab you, you had a pint glass half full of whiskey and had convinced the band to give you a microphone.
We tried to do sophisticated last night, but our low class kept shining through.
A unicorn in pinstripe pants just got on the J at Dolores stop. It can only be a good night
I just wanna have sex and go to Denny's after is that too much to ask for.
Randomize
