I just met his wife...she told me they have been having marriage problems and are spending his paychecks on marriage counseling...then she cried on my shoulder...NOW i feel like a bitch.
Its not personal, its just business. I'm the Donald Trump of blowjobs.
I am undressing in in n out. They migit ca5l security. Are you provn d6 me?
OH MY GOD. SO PROUD.
my mom found me passed out in the kitchen floor with the Brita pitcher.. Happy Mothers Day
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My ex wife just asked to go over our divorce papers and for sex in the same text
Woke up to my asscrack filled with melted Reese's Pieces. Halloween parties are so weird here man
Tell me when you get here. I'm drinking beer in the bushes next to your house, and I put my hoodie up because I was cold. Pretty sure everyone lowkey thinks i'm homeless.
He said I showed up in just my underwear and a bunch of towels I stole from the party I was at.
Well it's official, last night I hooked up with the third girl from the apartment downstairs.
Dude that's a hat trick!
I know, I tossed my hat on the floor as I was walking out.
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I'm not letting you use my bathroom unsupervised anymore. You peed in the sink thinking it was a urinal...
You thought you were Snapchating on your tablet, but were really just poking John Stamos' face on my Full House dvd case...
I peed outside 4 times after the bar, safe to say I had great night
He started out in my roommates bed and by the end of the night was in mine, not sure how that went down. But he left happy in the morning.
Does the girl you just banged want anything from Taco Bell?
He put on star wars porn, i thought it was hilarious last night but now i'm wondering why he has star wars porn
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