I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
So guy #2, the dancer, is programmed into my phone under the name H.uy. His number- 11 digits. I should have stopped drinking.
you made a powerpoint titled 'things i've drank tonight' and emailed it to me.
I wish I could tell you that the worst thing that happened last night was how he got thrown out of a stripclub for vomitting on the girl giving him a private lapdance. I wish I could tell you that and not be lying.
I swear a good massage is the easiest way in my pants.
Not that there's a hard way... but you know what I mean.
I asked you if you were ok and you said "dude I'm fine, I'm in the recovery position"
They called security on the security guard who tried to break up the party in their suite. You tell me how drunk they were.
An outback commercial just played and I remembered that guy from Australia Imade out with at the Derby. Great Bachelorette Party, btw.
I enjoy it and I rock at it. I wish there were a respectable way to make giving blow jobs a career.
His balls are like really small, like dog sized balls. It was a weird discovery. Ever done a guy with dog sized balls?
I'm just waiting til he drunkenly pisses in his new man's car the way he always whipped it out and went Bellagio in mine.
Are you coming down for 4/20 or does Easter kinda fuck that up for you?
the fact that you trapped hornets in a mailing tube to put in his mailbox does not surprise me sadly.
You're now part of the minority of friends who haven't seen my boobs.
Once my new license was put into my hand, a light from the heavens shined down and pauly D's voice was in my mind saying ohh yeaaah 21 yeaaah
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