do you know how hard it is to sit through a 3 hour movie with someone and not fuck them?
You were waisted for 48 hours and the only 3 words you said were yup, sure, and michigan
I made out with the bride. You tell me how my night was
she named each of the players on the last ten madden covers in order and then shotgunned 2 beers...if she doesnt have a penis im in love
U handed him a box of flavored condoms, winked, and slurred, "grape juice is her favorite."
Midnight run for medical supplies ended several hours later with a lapdance to the Braveheart soundtrack.
honestly, i'm just crying in the kitchen naked and eating salsa
Oh I already celebrated valentine's day. I stayed up until 4 AM listening to biggie, drinking rum, and caressing all my girl curves in front of the mirror. And then I came 3 times.
Man, I wish they all looked like that. Your vagina deserves to have a nice frame around it, and God's signature at the bottom.
Nope. Flying out tonight. Staying with my great aunt who is an ex nun turned hostel owner. Best and likely most dangerous St. Patty's Day to commence in 10 hours. IRELAND!
Be safe. And I hate you.
Ever walked into a basement full of 10 guys jerking it to a live stripper? Cause I have. Always confirm the address of a house party. Always.
I just passed a kid trying to leave on a lawn mower
She really wants to put my dick in her mouth, and to be honest I really don't want to put it there.
Do you remember seeing anyone put a "my other penis is a vagina" bumper sticker on my car?
Saddle up bitches, we're going to an orgy.
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