I just spent the last two hours on the phone with Emily trying to explain to her how to finger herself.
i an so hammered right now. I'm about to pass out but i just found the lion king dvd and i'm so happy words don't even describe.
I'm gonna name my first kid mufasa regardless if It's a boy or girl
I've never had a woman show me her venereal disease results in a bar before.
her boyfriend dumped her for my exgirlfriend. so filming our hookup is pretty much a definite.
Did the game of beer pong go wrong before or after the cops and fire department showed up?
Say hello to your nephew Sir Isaac Meriwether van Catsworth
I'm going to have to start taking your phone after ten. That's when all the cat pictures come
From now on when a guy sends me a dick picture I'm going to send them a picture of some other dudes dick.
I got pushed into some bald man in the pit and spent the next few minutes with my face against his head. Man I love ecstasy.
Can we make sure camping doesn't turn into forest-orgy?
Lol, last year was UNREAL
I am taking a candle lit bath, blasting some tupac and smoking a fat bowl. This is how every night should end. Did you go take a piss in his car yet?
you didnt realize it, but you puked in the bushes in front of a church and yelled "GOD IS DEAD"
My cat is staring at me while I drink my wine on the bathroom floor in the morning instead of attending class. Sorry mom and dad. Sorry cat.
He held my hand in public and I nearly came. Like he needs to be inside of me yesterday.
What happened last night dude?
YOU SHIT ON MY FUCKING COFFE TABLE THATS WHAT FUCKING HAPPENED!!!
Now just crop his dad out and add it to the spank bank.
Randomize
