My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
I just hatefucked a Bush administration appointee. Now having celebratory mimosas.
Holy shit bill nye is being consulted as an expert on cnn and hes credited as the science guy. What the fuck is the world coming to?
this is the last time we take the mathletes drinking.
The bartender gave me a roll of masking tape so I could tape my heels to my feet so I wouldn't lose them when i went drunk running later that night
Ok I'm good with that cause I'm gonna disappear for 90 days
Are you goin to rehab again?
PLAN B IS EXPENSIVE ON A $50 A WEEK BUDGET.
I am just saying if Clark Kent walks into your life, you fuck him
When did it become normal to wake up in the middle of the night to take a group bathroom break and have a 10 minute discussion on where the next football game is?
How much do souls cost? I feel like I need one if those.
And then she said "welcome homeeeee!!!" As she got off. Best thing about being back from Afghanistan
I'm sorry. I slept with him again. On the plus side he's got better at it!
That's a gentle way of saying I passed out like an 18-year-old on his first trip to Tijuana
its a recording of you guys having sex?!
its actually 30 minutes of him begging and then 2 minutes of sex.
Yelled "don't taze me bro" as the police officer tazed me. Cross it off the list.
Randomize
