When we were fucking, you could hear the beer sloshing around in my stomach
just passed a tour group on my way home. the guide actually said: 'and THAT kids is whats known as the walk of shame'
I think im in love with that girl with the googlie eyes last night. She was looking in my eyes and at my dick at the same time. we are going out again tonight.
Apparently it costs $70 to clean vomit off the side of our apartment building.
You left a trail of sequins from your dress incase we got lost
I was scoping hash out of our weed jar with a spoon and I realized we need to buy actual utensils. This plastic shit is killing me I've broke 3 spoons
Maybe STDs were invented to keep stupid people from having kids.
Ps you missed quite a show. I was for some reason whipping my hair back and forth and head butted the tip jar. It shattered and now I have a circular bruise on my forehead. All the bartenders hit the floor to get all the quarters.
The bend and snap? 98% success rate of getting attention. When used appropriately, it has an 83% rate of return on a dinner invitation.
You wanted to go find him and we told you to sit down cause you kept stumbling. You yelled " I CAN STAND!! It's the walking part I can't figure out!"
Dude, there are some things that you can't un-see. Her, beached on a dog bed, is one of them.
Dude you better come get your girl, she's sitting here eating a tub of pasta salad muttering to herself about gypsies.
Sorry for prompting a philosophical penis discussion at 10:45 on a Friday night.
I just found three upside down bottles of grapejuice in a triangle around the air freshener above my toilet... I guess it was one of those nights
I'm like a camel in the desert in a black hole I'm so thirsty.
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