I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
imagine if the morning after your status automatically updated with the name of the person you hooked up with
I lost control in the snow and hit a parked car. I went into our building to get a pen and paper to leave a note and when I came back the car was gone and there was a hot girl there. I used the pen and paper to get her number.
Had a dream I was a monkey and smoked pot out of a bong made out of a tree
Sweet and genuine is kinda lame. I'm more of a bust all over your face and hair kinda guy.
Uhm the hair is off limits bro, conditioner can only go so far.
Bro? You just made it a target.
Your girlfriend is in jail- I've just never been able to use that in a sentence before. Thank you both!
I'm about to start putting my tampons in the microwave for a few seconds these plastics applicators and this weather don't mix
There's glitter in my speakers, piles of cheezits on the floor, a random Audi in the driveway and a homeless dude napping in a lawn chair in the backyard. Wtf happened last night?
On the plus side, I know I'm allergic to latex now. Like really fucking allergic
i keep replaying things i did last night. and remembering new things. and its a constant cycle of torture
We are the rockettes of vaginal bleeding
I went from swearing off of sex to planning a threesome. It's been a rollercoaster of a day.
The last time I saw you you got angry and yelled "WHISKEY DOESNT COUNT" ... I think that's at least a 7 on the hotmess scale.
She threw her burger out the car window last night. My vegan neighbors were not pleased but I’m pretty sure I saw a for sale sign go up on their lawn so I owe her one.
Chaz got drunk and passed out so we superglued a kazoo to his mouth. Listening to him Panic when he woke up was fucking hilarious.
Randomize
