This is your Morning Wood Report: I have it.
Do u think I can claim pregnancy as an accident so my insurance covers it?
just smash crush and snort whatever we can get our paws on
I knew I fell for you for a reason
SHE has hooked up with both me and my sister. I don't even know what to say. If she goes for my parents next I may have to kill her
at the hospital. he locked himself in the kitchen, said he was making beer batter shrimp. don't know if it's the mercury poisoning, alcohol poisoning or second degree burns they're holding him for, but i've got a pretty guess.
Just KTHXBAIed an old man for staring at me
It's only 11:30 and she's already making friends with the homeless...
onest when I told you I'm a paramedic but I'm also a stripper.
My radar detector detects ice cream trucks. I think it was made for stoners
I will kill you in such a brutal way if you ever de-pants me again on the dance floor it will make the stock market ticker
Worst way to find out I have a half sister
TURNS OUT they were both cheating. Like the Gift of the Magi except for shitty people
Ugh. I need to go to the store, but I'm too lazy. Whatever shall I do? That girls still passed out. I should steal her car
Listen, I love you but you cannot refer to your dick as the holy sister anymore
Why are there naked heterosexuals in my apartment?
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