I dreamt Michael Jackson dropped his pants in front of me and I had to ignore it.
i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
Some girl just toasted to friendship and love. I want to break her neck.
I was in a gas station that sold tazers and I just saw a billboard that said "Strippers, need we say more?" God I love Georgia!
when I forget a girls name in bed I ask her her middle name then tell her i'm gonna call her that from now on
So we were banging and she started puking all over my bed. I'm not sure what's worse, her puking, or that I felt the urge to start singing Flip-adelphia.
My cousin's dog just exhaled smoke. My job here is done.
So i told him he was the 3rd i have ever slept with and then i found out he had actually slept with 5 other girls besides me. And his reply was well your number one on this hand.
Had no idea what his name was when I woke up. Went through his desk, found his tax records. Ben. And loaded.
how are you shocked you fucked her? sure shes hot, but she also washed your beerpong balls in her mouth..... you should probably get tested.
Yepp, I had to be the one to explain that the girl who was slapping people in the face with a dildo was my drunk girlfriend.
Have you ever just sat there and thought about past penises?
I shaved an Xmas tree into my junk.... I placed your present underneath.
Sorry about my life...
I guess she found the pillow case full of vomit I hid last night: "Oh my God. Oh my God. In my fucking FRIDGE?! Really? Hope your dick falls off there's puke all over my food. Fucking die."
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