So instead of cumming in her, I peed in her...
What did she do!?
I didn't tell her...
almost just walked around my whole building with my bowl in my hand before i remembered 420 isnt a get out of jail free card
I just found out my boyfriend is cheating on me, please tell me Carl is a unisex name.
The guy in front of me got in the club with his green card, that's awesome
I could hear them screwing through my bedroom wall again this morning, so I started beat boxing to the tempo.
How did I end up in the pool?!
Welcome to ASU
Is that a tongue signal to get over there? That's how my two heads are taking it.
I need a "closed for the season, thanks for a great summer" sign for my vagina
He had a tramp stamp of his own phone number. You can't tell me that isn't smart.
If he can't cook well I'm just gonna buy a RealDoll and twenty cats and live my own fucking life
You also spilled beer on my dog and tried to wipe it off with a paper towel but he kept getting away from you.
He got up after sex and said "is it wrong if I say happy Mother's Day?"
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
Please god tell me you aren't pregaming your date alone.
We couldn't find her anywhere. Finally, I saw her sitting in my bathroom floor spraying hair mouse into her mouth and whispering "I fucking love whipped cream." WHAT DID YOU GIVE HER AND CAN I HAVE SOME?
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