they just dont make restraining orders like they used to.
I just saw a Kleenex commercial and thought about last night. I'm sorry about your hair.
I spit up blood this morning
That's vegas.
I feel like everything in this room is sweating
My only downfall is that I can only take shots in twos.
I just want to fall into a pit of xannies and eat my way out.
Woke up naked on a bed full of money, doughnuts, and keys that weren't mine. Unsent dick pick on phone, and cheap cigar butt on my pillow. Also...I maybe hotwired my car.
had a dream you helped me fill my shoes with yogurt. we were even like "why didn't we think of this before?!" like it was just so obvious
that sounds like something we'd do... we're onto something here
Dude so last night I was eating out my gf and her kitten climbed onto my back and fell asleep. AND SHE DIDN'T NOTICE FOR LIKE 10 MINUTES
looked up people from my old yearbooks. 3 ex boyfriends are gay. im getting drunk now.
You attempted what you called the "Long Island Heist", in which you shoved a half glass of Long Island down your pants and asked me to help you sneak it out. That drunk.
A toast to whoever set this year's daylight savings fallback to the day after halloween, granting us another hour to detox before we pretend to be functional adults. Clearly, a partier with forethought and clear priorities. Cheers!
Wait... why were you finger painting at one in the morning?
Clearly you need to take sleeping pills and put your phone in the toilet
Umm I might be late. Also I am may or may not have mayonnaise on my ass
Randomize
