There's a litter of kittens in my bathtub and beer cans everywhere. I want my apartment key back.
Also, I had a dream I had a ray gun and woke up holding my dick.
I think I should receive an honorary Heisman... I mean, I did sleep with two of the finalists
Did you seriously take investment advice from our coke dealer?
This whole night would have been avoided if the liquor store had air heads
And if it was a miscarriage you should figure out whose it was. He must be an alphamale for his offspring to sustain life this long in the amusement park that is your body
I just used cruise control in a 25 zone. When will this hangover end???
how much ball-pain constitutes an emergency?
PLAN B IS EXPENSIVE ON A $50 A WEEK BUDGET.
He actually just looked up and said I'm gonna cum in my pants. and he did. no shame.
we dropped acid in chinatown. worst. idea. ever. too many colors. and nobody has any idea where steve is.
He fucked me for my Netflix login, I fucked him for his HBO login, and actually I think that's beautiful
drinking vodka out of a wine glass to feel a little bit classier about myself.
somehow I wound up on the floor crying about his beard. then telling everyone I'd give him a "lesbian blowjob".
If you find out what that means, show me.
Throwing up in a storm drain... Not my finest moment.
But my shoes looked boss
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