Hard to imagine a reason apart from blow jobs that I'm awake at 530 am.
I wish you wouldn't refer to your breast milk as "ammunition"
No offense but you kinda look like a Jack Johnson fan in that pic
This is so stupid. Now I have to call the party planner and tell her that the break up party is off. They decided to get back together.
In other words, he somehow found his way to my apartment, wasted, and was naked on my new couch. Completely naked. It was too special to pass up.
The last thing I said to him last night before telling him he couldn't give me a kiss goodnight was pointing at his dick then at me and saying "this isn't working out"
I like using largw condoms because they are more comfortable but also I feel bad because it's like false advertisement
I drank, I fought, I made my ancestors proud.
And then someone hit me with a pool cue
We played table tennis, but used tv remotes taped to our foreheads instead of paddles. Every time your opponent scored you took a shot. I'm the current champion as of last night.
There are no winners in a lube eating competition.
Ugh, once again I had to block the view of him peeing off the hotel bar balcony, I earned those free drinks!
listen i get youre a daddy dom but that doesnt give you a pass to make dad jokes
WHY DID I MAKE A 7 minute video of me eating crackers and cheese when I was high
Send it to me
Um, when I went down on you it got stuck there. Still had gum in my mouth. Didn't exactly have use of my hands to assist
I tried to order dominos and couldn't but I accidentally placed an order for this morning. I knew I did it last night and was gonna call and cancel this morning but honestly it's coming in 30 minutes and I need it
Randomize
