Food network will be on but we won't be watching
O by "watching" I mean "background noise"
He disabled his match.com account in front of me
I need a man. I think Im going to put myself on Craigs list since they caught the killer and all.
Do it and if you add naked pictures youll get an instant reply
I just saw a neon sign in a bar window that says, "open to Public" but the L is burnt out.
Yo I'm texting you while getting a bj. I know, I'm the man. Told her I was texting my mom in the hospital.
with your vagina and my liver, anything is possible
He went around feeding all the high kids pretzels. He's like their god now
I've done nothing but whore my gay ex bf out for the past 48 hours. It's getting weird.
So topless strobe light beer pong turned into me rugby tackling a bitch to the ground.my tits will never forgive me for sacrificing their majesticness for responsibility
I was screaming out for people to gather the townsmen and the mayor so we could hang him
I was just like oh sorry I'm peeling meanwhile my legs are on either side of his head and I look like a fucking Komodo dragon
I rammed pretzels and Jell-O shots down the throats of those I loved.
still not dressed at 5:00, jacking off watching men's figure skating and hoping my weird roommate doesn't walk in. anybody who says idk how to have fun is wrong
You know something is wrong with your life when your mom is at the bar getting free tequila shots and you aren't
Apparently I called down to the hotel front desk and begged them to bring us pizza. They brought us tea.
Randomize
