the quote on the bathroom wall was "stop reading this and focus on peeing" and i realized i'd peed on the seat.
I woke up with semen in my invisalign. My molars were just marinating in it
She just wrapped her tongue around my thumb.....lizard girl may be my next wife.
Either I got the clap, or I masturbated with soap while I was sleeping.
Your friends turned off our power in the basement and when we went to turn it back on I got sprayed in the face with a fire extinguisher. FYI.
Something about getting whistled at in my work clothes while crossing the street with three Nuvarings in my back pocket feels wrong.
They want yo temporarily sterile ass.
My puffy vagina and I are on the way to the doctor to see what your mutant penis did to us THANKS A LOT
Celebrating landing my dream job by watching zombie movies and drinking free booze in the bath. I'm like 90% sure I just won life.
I'm 50% okay with that amount of body contact... plus/minus 7% based on where blood may flow.
He fucked me so hard my nail polish actually chipped. I'm keeping him.
Yes. Life would be much easier if we had penises & could do whatever the fuck we want.
I ditched my one night stand in the hotel lobby. How did he add me on Snapchat?
You just sat there staring at your apple and saying "I'm so glad you're here" to it every time you took a bite.
I'm declaring this weekend Captain Morgan weekend
You declare every weekend Captain Morgan weekend...
You just don't understand... :'(
I don’t want to brag, but vows, morals and will power are no match for my blow job skills
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