and that's how I found out my dad doesn't believe in towels... holiday magic.
I was hoping we just happened to wake up naked and I hadn't fucked him.... no such luck.
It's hard for me to sext him when the picture i see on my phone when he texts me is his facebook default of him and his girlfriend.
how many past hook-ups can i invite to go bar hopping with me for my b-day before it becomes a bad idea?
Yeah? Well I'm currently predrinking downstairs in my room by myself. Absolut and water with a hint of mint because I'm using the glass I keep my toothbrush in. Fuck, you bitches better get off work soon.
So you think it's my fault? I didn't give you the 10 shots you took nor make you eat the brownies we made... btw, i found your engagement ring, it was in the last brownie you wouldn't let me have while dragging me to my room.
When you get up and look at yourself in the mirror, don't be alarmed. The doctor assured us last night that it looked way worse than it actually was and there won't be a scar when the stitches come out
I woke up in Brittany's thong, Tony's shirt, and an oven mitt
My gynaecologist hit my g-spot today by accident and for some reason I went "at least someone found it" VERY AWKWARD
I'm so glad I was blacked out while I was going all exorcist in the bathroom. That's so not a memory I want.
I felt like... 50% confused and 50% like a slow roasted flip flop.
The whole time you were apparently enduring your pukescapades, I was singing very loudly in the car to Beyonce on my way to get a post-coitus Diet Coke.
I have a few Facebook friends I only keep around for quality control purposes on Tinder
This guy knew what he was doing. Most guys can't find the spot even if it shot off a flare and played a kazoo.
It took me years of patience and pilates and yoga and flirting to land that penis. So yeah, I’m going to ride it into the sunset and live orgasmically ever after
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