I was speaking french the whole night. Until i got arrested. Then I decided I should probably start speaking English.
Just used my last prints at the library for brackets instead of final reviews. Hello March.
Apparently tackling a bar stool and crashing to the floor while yelling for 6 shots of whiskey won't get you thrown out on St Pattys Day.
I think it was the chocolate body paint and awesome blowjob that finally made us official.
I guess I'll put a green shirt on. Also, I just snorted some protein shake power. That doesn't have anything to do with St. Patrick's Day. I just wanted you to know in case i die.
She ate the cookie then went to the emergency room. Now her fam is pressing charges. Don't people understand you DON'T steal baked goods from potheads??
Yea, you were talking about how you did not want to be a reindeer for at least 5 minutes.
So you met him?
More like I walked in on him, drunk, naked, and doing "bathtub yoga". Please stop bringing your dates home.
I am wearing two different shoes and just swallowed my gum. Wake the fuck up and bang the bartender already.
Yeah her jello shots are the next closest thing to a lethal injection. That potent.
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
Just smoked a joint with the hottest patient. God I love night shifts.
I'm eating lunchables with a glass of wine while I FaceTime the guy I lost my virginity to.
Says the girl who left her friends to go have phone sex in the bathroom at Michael's
Um, just removed my insulin from the fridge so that I could fit our case in there. Tell me, who has their priorities straight? THIS GIRL.
Randomize
