The pirates hijacked 3 more ships today!!
we need a boat to join in
Obama is on top of it we'd get killed within mins, but we'd live in legend foreva
its like he missed a chap in the "being a guy" handbook and read the bible instead
and everytime i fart i feel like in your heart, you can hear it
you gave the police officer your chanel wallet and said 'just keep it the i.d. is fake too'.
My mom just called and reminded me not to throw up in any cabs tonight. Happy St. Patty's Day.
And the cops told us we were all naked.
Found: medium sized pair of mens pants tucked inside my purse w/ a dry cleaners coupon in left pocket. Call if you wish to claim the coupon
You're doing that 'overestimating how much I care' thing again.
It's Friday afternoon and I'm drunk. This is how I cope.
I am not saying having unprotected sex in my boss' pool was a good idea, I am just saying it wasn't my worst idea of the summer.
I feel like I would find myself in so much trouble if I hadn't married my DD.
I'm gonna have to shit in a bar again tonight
His Instagram is like a gay porn blog all of the sudden got conquered by the Mormon missionary that he is
I didn't even respond. Just letting the crazy settle before I calmly fuck his shit up.
FYI brushing your teeth & taking off your makeup does not erase the shame from the night before
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