What is the pluralization of human? I just got humen rejected, and I am going completely blank...
Maybe my heart is located in my vagina
found your viking helmet in the parking lot this morning, its missing a horn. There was still liquor in the remaining horn. shots from a viking helmet should be mandatory.
he was spitting whole peanuts projectile out of his mouth at the waitresses as they walked by and then yelled across the restaurant that he had "no problem kicking any of their asses"
Where the hell is he. I called him crying for weed and sex you would think that would signal some urgency.
Pretty sure I picked a cat up off the street and took him home with me, fed him tuna, then let him go
I'm just gonna yell "SURPRISE ME" and see what happens. No way this could go wrong
I might be the strongest willed bouncer ever. Earlier tonight a girl flashed me trying to get in. I just replied "Sorry I'm gay", she believed me and left.
Apparently hitting a bong with your mouth half numb is hilarious but frustrating!
Thinking about wearing all black to the bar tonight since I'll be attending my liver's funeral.
Yeah man, you were grinding with his wife, I wouldn't be worried about it
just yelled CURVEBALL at my nightie because it turned out to be a pair of shorts
I told ya. I'm super awesome at making things super awkward. I'm the Awkwardnator.
You know it's time to call it a night when every guy in the bar (all 3 of them) have seen you naked at one time or another.
And since we used to fuck you are absolutely obligated to like my tweets
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