just went home with some hot chick. she has posters of the jonas brothers in her room. i basically ran out of the house.
Phrase i just heard while watching the U.S. open: "Boy they have really trimmed it well, this has got to be the tightest hole in the Open."
just got 3 freshman girls to makeout with each other at a toga party! score!
why is this not a picture message?!?!
she just uttered the sweetest sentence in the english language...my stripper friends are coming over
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It's going to be nice going to the airport without drugs taped to my balls like last year.
He soundtracked our prebreakup sex, our breakup, and out postbreakup sex. At least he's dedicated.
He was about to puke, and so I handed him an empty beer can. In retrospect, not very helpful.
i dont know everytime i see her teeth i get erectile disfunction
You insisted that you sleep on the bear rug instead of the couch. You said it was lonely and you kept on petting its head.
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FYI the landlord called, said we need to clean the puke off the side of the house...was someone on the roof lastnight??
We were all drunk for the whole flight. Steve doesn't even remember the cab ride to the airport. At 6am. Says he "blacked back in" at security.
You kept asking the bartender if you could "buy a dollar".
because. if I can't sit outside naked and eat my watermelon every morning then I really don't see the point in moving in with you.
Because it's not worth it. And there is no nice way of saying "sorry, you're not good enough at sex for me to drive 45 mins"
The more I think about it, the more convinced I am that I'm the solution to all of T-Swift's guy problems.
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