Some man just said he would jack off to my hair color.
I woke up in a house cuddled up with a beagle on a futon. have no idea who anyone is but they all call me stretch. yeaaahhh boiiiiii
So drunk can't even tell it's my own house. WOaoOw.
when i was alone, his dick was there for me...
My mom woke me up in a bubble bath this morning.
I'm sober enough to question why I have your name as "the wolverine" in my phone.
i feel like the 7 eleven by your house knows our deepest, darkest secrets
There's a homeless man outside the bar. I have a toothbrush and toothpaste in my car. I think i'm going to give them to him. And they said drinking is bad.
You're so thoughtful.
She said my new name was "ranch" because I "looked delicious"
Thats like me asking what you think of antisocial polish guys with mysterious rashes
I love you too! Remember NO alcohol or weed at my residence because of legal ramifications.
don't take offense to this but at the strip club tonight I legit believed one girl was you. almost hopped on stage and freaked out at you. you're a beauty.
just woke up with a trucker hat, half a grilled cheese, and popcorn spread everywhere. last night must have been good.
You couldn’t remember the word hand jibber. Instead, your drunk ass offered the bartenders “unlimited hand fritters” if they wouldn’t cut you off.
Double high-fived his wife and her sister on the way out. If I'm not the best mistress ever tell me how.
Randomize
