I now officially know the distance between my two boobs is one twizzler.
how was your day?
fuck the small talk. are you bringing the liquor tonight or am i?
She only remembers me when she's drunk. It's like I'm a suppressed memory that only surfaces with alcohol.
My picture of a beer can in a McDonalds cup full of ice got more likes than my relationship with her. Is beer THAT much better than monogamy?
Ur gonna wake up early as dick tomorrow to do some responsible shit but im the one up at 3 am right now cooking brats soaked in keystone light so fuck your falling asleep ass bitch
There's something very strange about masturbating in a hotel room. I feel like I'm cheating on my room...
When nipples stop being hilarious I'll stop getting them out in public.
I need an IV, a new head, and stronger morals.
He didn't get how "starting a flash flood in my thunderhole" was a sexy euphemism. Deal breaker.
Well. We had sex and then watched 6 episodes of Dateline NBC together; only breaking the silence to make disapproving noises at shotty police work. So basically yea I'm gonna marry him.
It's been a week I should not still be finding glitter in my pants.
I was pretty sure he wouldn't be into me after I fucked his brother, and then his best friend, and yet, here I am doing lines off his stomach
This is the most aggressive rendition of that Proclaimers song I ever heard.
You peed on a flamingo?!?
Just because you haven’t had your UTI yet doesn’t mean you have a right to talk like Yoda
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