can you please tell me why I'm bleeding so heavily from my ass and all my makeup is gone?
I woke up to a topless girl handing me a blunt. Candidate for greatest wake-up ever?
I have a spoon shaped bruise on my ass...
I'm considering telling her about my dream where I made a sex tape with her boyfriend. you know to test our friendship
I wish I could sell my textbooks directly to my drug dealer and cut out the middle man
I made him recite stats from the playoffs game last night before I would go down on him.
I have no idea what to do about this. He has a power over me and I think its called his tongue.
Was this before or after he told that homeless man outside the bar about his past sexual experiences?
no you're not allowed back
come on. everbeers was a great idea. you fucks had a great night
Some guy wearing a horse mask just knocked on my door and started whinnying. I opened the door and he was like, "...oh sorry, wrong room..." so awk.
I fill condoms, not promises.
I might attempt to pee into a cup while driving. I'll let you know how it goes.
did you just correct my grammar and then send me a photo of your dick?
Can you get winded from lip syncing? I don't know how Britney does it
I just threw up in front of a bunch of parents/prospective students while they were on a campus tour..awesome..
Randomize
