I got a black eye last night. This guy said for every 35 pounds you lose you gain an inch to your dick. I asked him how long he has been peeing sitting down.
Just took my birth control pill next to the cubicle where we had sex last semester.
I legit had to pull him off my car. Then he texted me saying 'take me places.' Shotgun getting that drunk tonight
that bitch in the red sedan is still teasing me with the ice cream cone. i'm going to show her my dick
You know we had a good night last night when today I opened up my Google Translate application and the language is set to Persian and the phrase to translate is "I want you to suck my dick".
Is it bad that I see a party full of girls I know he has fucked as a challenge for me to be the one who ends up in his bed?
its official: beach shits are the exact same as mountain shits
You told my mom you were going to "Raw Dawg some randoms." That Drunk.
Went to bed with a bowl of spaghetti O's on my chest, I make my own breakfast in bed. New level of laziness
Impressive. I've never gotten straight denied and then chased the guy naked out of my own apt. I'll remember that next time.
This snow needs to melt so I can get wasted on someones front lawn
My mom just called hysterical. She and her sister found my dead grandma's vibrator.
The apple don't fall far from that tree.
I'm trying to get laid this Halloween, not inspire the next season of AHS
I told him we can’t see each other today because absence makes the heart grow fonder but mostly I just need to rest my vag
He ate me out in a golf cart while I watched the sunset. You are so right, golf skirts do provide amazing access.
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