his penis is like a homeless cat. ever since I've satisfied him he keeps showing up on my doorstep ask for more.
I feel like my nuva ring should have a vibrating switch.
He showed up to the Seder drunk and tried to convince everyone that he could read Hebrew.
today's the one month anniversary of me not giving anyone head. can you tell me you're proud
it's sad that this is a milestone
I have a video (on my shattered iphone) of a random DJ at some bar giving me a birthday shoutout and texts from random numbers talking about birthday sex. My birthday is in April... Happy birthday to me?
PS August 29 of last year was when you ran over my foot. Facebook just reminded me.
Both the cop and the paramedic were hitting on me while I was on the ambulance. My boob fell out and they just about had full on erections right there. They Came back two hours later to sign my cast with their phone numbers. #stillhotwhilebleeding
And the cockring thing wasn't sexual.
Hows the party lookin?
At a live sex show right now. Not sure about the employee party
I forgot how weird my hair bleaches and now I'm a calico
You can wake up to my rainbow of failure
In the bath trying to absorb water through my skin because I can't drink it.. That hungover
i found waldo and immediately set him to work eating me out. please have more out of season costume parties.
Last night you dunked donut holes in spinach dip, ate it, threw up, and continued eating. I cant keep up with your drunk eating skills.
I was wondering where the donuts went.
Dont care about too tired for sex, thank you for leaving your laser pointer. I have now determined both my cats are stupid.
I never thought I'd be complaining about having sex 4 times a day, but here we are...
Randomize
