and when he finished he started shouting "swim boys SWIM"
After I threw him out he walked down the street peeing in stride. I almost wanted to let him back in.
2pm: Breaking news alert: I think I'm finally sober. Oh, and that place needs hotter strippers.
LSHMSFOAIDMT = laughing so hard my sombrero falls off and I drop my taco.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
At one point, you closed your eyes and asked me which 'six flags' we were at
I tackled a mailbox like a linebacker. He almost broke his hip and his friend lit a bottle rocket off inside of the car. Yes it was a successful night.
I just did the math. It is, in fact, cheaper to go out drinking every weekend than it would be for me to pay for a legitimate therapist. What are you doing next Friday night?
If this nail lady pinches my achilles one more time im kicking her directly in her bedazzled boobs
Also, I cannot stop picturing myself in a bar, 3 years from now ordering soda. Just soda. 30 pounds over weight and wearing a cat sweater. I feel like I'm heading in the wrong direction in life.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just quit my job so I could get dick this weekend. I'm pretty sure my need for dick is much more important than the customers' needs.
He drove over an hour to get this shit done. I guess i win the golden vagina award tonight
I feel like I smell like bad decisions
I wanna get to the point where I can just send a question mark and get an exclamation point in response
That married penis I’ve been riding offered to pay off my student loans. I was going to break it off because he has lousy stamina. Is being debt free worth putting up with mediocre sex?
If I had a dollar for every functioning brain cell you had I would owe someone a lot of money
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