I just spent the last two hours on the phone with Emily trying to explain to her how to finger herself.
Hows this for an invention: a toilet that weighs your poop
We were laughing at the passed out guy who had gone to sleep under the car in the McDonald's lot until we realized it was you.
i'm behind the bar giving him a hand job. i need stuff to make my foot stop itching.
okay, this is where i needed to clarify that i was kidding before when i said that jizz helps mosquito bites. but let me know how that goes. for future reference.
He got a slutty, ugly mother of a 7 year old, and I got a dog that only sleeps and shits on clean clothes. No one won in this break up.
It was his birthday this weekend. I had to carry him 6 blocks, in 3 inch heels. The entire time he was trying to molest me, eat my face, and try to stop every two feet to tie his shoe. He would light a cigarette, forget about it, almost burn everyone, throw it out, then decide he wanted to smoke. He kept repeating that he trusts me with his life.
...Wow...
I could be a kindergarten teacher
I left my coke in the bird nest in the bathroom stall last night but I found it nest and all in my purse I love morning suprises
I taught a straight girl about grindr today. She showed me tinder. It was like some sexual cultural exchange program
Now we're discussing the sex we had and the later lack thereof. It's like marriage counseling via snapchat.
I dunno I mean I feel like I owe everyone an apology except the two people I punched in the face
They don't have a Valentines Day card for the married guy I'm sleeping with. It can't use the words, love, soulmate, you're the only one for me...and obviously it can't be anything related to spending the day together because that's not happening.
I hate that I will forever be known as the girl who puked on the front lawn. That only happened once.
I'm only gonna ask u this once. Y is there a picture of u only in superman underwear rubbin ur nipple on facebook????
Uh I can actually explain that one..
some guy had a sword and everyones crying..it turned bad..fast.
no dude he sent me cemetery flowers, i know it. they are half dried out roses in the shape of a cross, seriously. and he is not religious. so he robbed a freaking grave site for me. am i like an accessory to grave robbing now??
damnit this is what you get for dating guys with neck tattoos
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