Note to Self: No matter how horny, turned on or in the moment you are, never go down on your gf after she had soccer practice.
Remember when the only STD we had to worry about were hickies? Those were the days
I'm like cupid
You're a whore with a bow and arrow
when i grow up i'm putting garbage disposals in all showers of my house so when you vomit in the shower its easy clean up
It's not every day you get to see a girl fuck herself with a pickle.
I puked in the pool and didn't tell them, then they all went swimming. Is it dick to just sit back and enjoy the show?
I'm thinking we can stop tracking my sex life by the hotels I've hooked up in and instead use bar bathrooms I've gotten head in.
It's the only time I've ever felt manly shitting myself
And after getting thrown out of the frat house, getting carried up the hill for a half an hour, puking 5 times, and almost getting stopped by campus security, she still insisted he sleep with her. Gotta give her credit, even blacked she kept her eyes on the prize
Was so drunk I had to masturbate face up cuz I thought I was gonna be suffocated by the pillows.
I just wanna get high and take a fucking awesome nap. Those are my goals for the week.
So is it weird that I am super excited for my new captain america clit ring... Or is my crotch getting too patriotic
I made out with a guy dressed as the pdx airport carpet.
Portlandia didn't prepare you for that?
Ya’ll! My debit card got switched with my boss’ at lunch today (both Red Wells Fargo)....I realized it at whole foods AFTER I ran it for $100 at Vanity Room getting my vaj waxed 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️. Most awkward IOU ever tomorrow.
So here I am, sexting at work.
Randomize
