So I'm stoned for 420, and have an eye doctor appointment in fifteen minutes
Are your eyes okay
I mean if I was Asian they would be
You'll be the first to get a "it's herpes simplex 1" cigar.
I want to frame my negative pregnancy test.
Shut up. It sucks being the ugly friend, I would know, but someones gotta play the role
being alone eating nachos and drinking from a giant munchen beermug really isnt that sad
idk but i have you stored in my phone as 'guy with beard doing body shots'
I need someone to get my backpack from the bar before class tomorrow. I have to give my students their papers back.
Either I need to stop bringing you back to my apt or I need to stop buying ikea furniture
just got tipped $5 to put a barbie in a waffle cone and drip caramel sauce on it while a group of dudes cheered and one took pics. 90% sure they were sober
I just scrubbed chocolate off the bathtub... You better have had a damn good birthday
All three of them were helicoptering their dicks to persuade me to take my thong off
Jasmine is diving into bushes again.
GOOD NEWS I CAN BRING THE VODKA IN MY LUGGAGE
There's going to be a velveeta shortage. I'm not drunk any more, this is just dire info.
So far I've taken two naps, went out and bought a pizza called the Hipster, and in 15 min I'm gonna make a snow angel. Conquering Snowlandia. How bout you?
Randomize
