u cheatin on me?
if i did i would try to upgrade babe.
I got into an eating contest with Christina. I ate 6 oranges.
Why? Who won?
we don't know. we ran out of oranges.
I was gonna make fun of her but that plan kinda stopped once she put my dick in her mouth
I don't remember her name, all I remember is trying to suck the wedding ring off her finger.
we need to find that guy that whips out his cock at the bar again
Does your throat ever get sore from being choked too hard or do u think I'm just getting sick??
Just went outside to gather hail to use to make margaritas since we ran out of ice. That's God's way of helping us out.
Is singing the Indiana Jones theme while I put on the condom off limits?
I'm not the one who can lose their erection, so it's fair game
My mom asked me if I ever go on dates. I had to suppress the urge to ask if having casual sex with a freshmen counts as dating
I sent dad a photo of my graduation certificate from drug therapy class. It was his birthday so it seemed appropriate.
Did I send you a drunk selfie with a pine tree last night?
I was trying to drink every time they said planned parenthood but my body isn't cut out for this.
Oh dear. Sending much love.
Just send a machete.
He doesn't have an existential crisis after we have really violent sex now which is nice
I hate when pretentious people talk bad ab corn dogs
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