don't worry. When rigor sets in, we'll make sure to get you laid one last time.
so sad. i just ate the last good 'n' plenty out of the bottom of my purse.
some guy just pulled a dress out of a fax machine...I have no idea what the hell is going on
If you listen closely you can hear the sound of inbreeding and shame.
Dude. Get me out of here. I'm surrounded by glitter-faced 40 year olds in halter tops. The desperation here is so thick you can taste it.
Just Peed in a cup for my country. Fighting the good fight.
I just can't have sex in the car again. it's just too much
A seagull just tried to steal my cellphone
You got stoned and bought $300 worth of pudding. Again! Why do YOU think she left you?
I'm basically cruising around listening to 90's gangsta rap with my meatball sub telling people to go fuck themselves
I really regret not asking “like a cupcake” when you asked me to eat your ass
He saw me naked after our first date and still asked for a second.. so I think we’re doing good
Dude you where on that lil kids bike at 2 am ridin down the turning lane wearing only socks and a helmet singing born to be wild, no you weren't that fucked up
Just told my mom life fisted my asshole. She looked at me with complete understanding. I'm scared...
Why would I want a relationship when I’m the side dick for my boss and a few women from the gym
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