I thought smoking would make her look better, but all it did was enlighten me to her snaggletooth
Sounds like a blessing in disguise
she was bad bro. like...id rather put my dick in a blender. twice.
singing james blunt while drunk. tell me thats not wonderful
he just asked me if he could show me what he wanted to do to me using his action figures. where do i find these freaks?
i don't think it's normal to still be missing spring break.
My brother just woke up to see me on te couch dipping hamburger buns into pizza sauce. I'm beginning to question the life choices that led to this moment.
So, I'm drinking, and I put my head down in the table. The cat jumped up to check on me, I have a cat sober monitor.
He sent me a snap chat of his naked torso with cookies over his nipples. Like.... that does not make me want you homeboy.
I drew a giraffe.. But she did say that bumped that test up from a 39 to a 40. It's the little things.
I like that you're Jewish, because you can rail me on Christmas Eve and it won't be weird.
New drunken fun fact of last night, after I pushed Sarah and before I started making out with guy #1, I shouted that I'd go to third base on a first date, then threw myself at him
Nothing like banging your nurse in the shower while staying in the hospital
He fed me jello shota while i was sitting on the toilet and then he peed in the shower
My cat is watching me play with my new vibrator
WTF DOES CAROLINE HAVE GLASS IN HER FACE
Randomize
