we had that weird still in bed morning after conversation. Her dad is the vp of my company.
forecast for tonight is alcohol, low standards and poor decisions.
I just tried to drunkenly fart the beat of Disturbia by Rihanna
So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
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For some reason, my father is not responding to the 5 texts I sent him that all read: "Dad dad dad dad dad dddaadd dddddaaaaaaaaad dad".
searching "dave" under the university of pittsburgh on facebook was not exactly how i hoped to find my baby daddy
I found his belly button lint in my hair. Can't say it was worth it.
Oh you have the munchies, Dad? That's great and congratulations on the weed but STOP EATING MY APPLE PIE
I either have a razor blade lodged in my throat or I've been drinking entirely too much Evan Williams.
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I had a dream I gave a blow job to a guy whose dick forked off into two. I'm going to spend the rest of my life confused.
I just had a mental image of us riding a tractor through hell with one of those big guns mounted on top of it shooting at everyone while the indiana jones music plays.
I told him that I wanted his dick like I wanted a jumbo hot dog. There something wrong with my priorities
THERE ARE SO MANY HOT DADS AT WHOLE FOODS
He said when the pizza came I zip locked one slice and went to the couch and snuggled with it. Does that give you an idea of how my night was?
So I wake up to my ex girlfriends underwear hanging from the ceiling fan and the only thing i can think of is "what time is the game"
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