after we finished he farted and said 'i've been holding that one in'
FOR A FUCKING 40?! A FUCKING 40?! YOU GAVE THE CAT AWAY FOR BEER?!
I could hear his roommate in the background imitating my sex sounds...
okay so i know you are missing your wallet but at least its not your tooth. i am missing my tooth.
Bad news. I baked you a cake and one of my fingernails is missing.
I've been trying to brush my teeth for 20 mins now... Mother of hangovers.
I knew it would be an interesting night when he showed up at my house on a scooter wearing a six foot american flag as a cape.
He came when he saw that my nipples were pieced
its before 9am and ive already had to dip my dick and balls in a glass of milk. probably isnt a good sign for how today is going to go.
You know you're a fat kid when you've spent half the day having a twitter conversation with Pizza Hut.
I vote we get high and sneak off to McDonald's to get mcflurries.
YES. ALL MY YES.
Apparently he walked into the room and started yelling at some huge hairy dude to get out of my room. Except it wasn't my room... Because he was on the fourth floor.
And the next morning he asked me why I had clothes on so I said so that he could take them off again.
She just sent me a message. It's a poem, about eternal love, that she wrote, about us. Just because I took her home two nights - doesn't mean it's eternal love.
It seems that I didn’t convey clearly enough how well and truly fucked we are, Jack. Listen to me very closely: we are DEAD.
Randomize
