I woke up covered in BBQ sauce. My hand had "you win" written on it. Do I celebrate?
So they call this "a walk of shame" but fuck that...this walk is fantastic. What kind of debbie downer came up with that name?
long story short: there's a file in the master file cabinet labeled "lube".
you passed out on the bathroom floor with the door locked. we had to break in and no one was sober enough to move you so they just threw a towel on you and stepped over you
We went into lab today and when no one was looking i touched our cadaver's penis!
So, i took all the condoms from his nightstand, not in the crazy ex way, but in the I paid for them way.
Just put a sign on a baby carriage that says "all daddy wanted was a blowjob" might get fired.
He was banging holes in the kitchen wall with pots. They tried to pull him away but only managed to pants him. He kept "drumming".
Land Before Time marathon. we drink every time littlefoot almost eats a treestar.
I'm missing some hair, but it's cool. Breadsticks are done.
U have to come, I miss the sound of you throwing up.
And by "schedule" I meant crumbled up liquor store receipt, that I wrote shit on.
It wasn't good. I can tell by the way he fucks me he watched too much porn
So I found out me and this guy I was drinking beer with tonight both got lactated on by the same stripper. We're milk brothers.
I just went on etsy and my personalized suggestions on the page were either kinky sex restraints or baby things. I feel like etsy just summarized my life.
Randomize
