I dont understand how a fully grown man could convince himself that lime green crocks would look good on him.
Probably should plan this out. Step one: grow stache. Two: get trenchcoat. Three: Kidnap Selena Gomez.
I had better be fucking involved with step four.
I told her I had to go to work this morning, got fully dressed in a suit, walked her out, drove around the block, parked, and walked right back in my apt and went back to sleep..
Just once id like to sleep with a man who i havent thrown up on
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you were mass sexting so we took your phone away
I returned her cell phone that I found in the bathroom, I felt the stretcher and the ambulance was enough of a learning experience.
I fed him jelly beans while he fingered me. Win, win situation.
I was about to send you a concerned-for-your-safety text b/c it took you more than ten seconds to respond to a text that mentioned both the bar and lesbians
He kissed my hand AND my forehead. I don't think this virginity business is for heartless whores like us.
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I couldn't sleep so I took 4 shots of vodka and promptly threw up in the sink. Happy Thursday
From now on, you must never doubt my ability to go from drunken rambling lovesick girl to Stepford wife within the course of a few hours.
I'm drinking vodka. Get ready for my famous "come over" mass snapchats
Her tramp stamp said call me maybe. You should have run for the nearest decontamination shower immediately.
Just got back from a Walmart run. The music went straight from Kid Rock to John Phillip Souza. If that doesn't scream 'MURICA I don't know what will. Happy 4th!
yea i'll help you find a man. but, when I say jump, you say on who.
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