I have never pre-planed for a better sober morning than lacing my muffin batch with tylenol.
I just answered "If only I knew" for a quiz in criminology, she loved it. I got an A
5 out of the 6 of them cut their hands while trying to shot gun the beer, I had never seen balls attached to such patheticness
How did "just two beers for happy hour" turn into naked backyard wrestling?
More cowboy butts than you can shake a stick at, oh joy.
i'm almost positive she was a dude but like it doesn't even matter
re read what you just said
I'm at a gyno in Japan. Safe to say every possible rule of etiquette is about to be broken. Buckle up, motherfuckers.
i regret nothing
brb throwing up in the dishwasher
i regret everything
Idk how much of a virgin he is but I'm tryna find out.
Last night a drunk chick tried to lick me. If you are trying to lick the zombies, you are too drunk for the haunted house.
You're going to replace me with a robot made of heating blankets and a vibrator?
Why is there a condom in my ukulele?
Last night I had a dream that a man with an ice cream body entered a bicycle throwing contest and won.
As a gift to myself for being so awesome at being single, I'm going to buy a vibrator
how do do this?
do what? Keep standing? Choose between 2 guys?
keep making boys cry?
Randomize
