I think my mom's writing a book called how to fuck with your kids when you know they're high
after the cops left he pulled the weed out of his ass and we smoked it
Oscar is the man. He keeps getting pictures of hot nude women with messages in spanish saying "i hope you like it" sent to his phone
whose oscar?
the baller who i guess decided to give out a fake number at the bar last weekend. luckily that fake number was mine. i have enough porn to last me until next month.
She introduced herself and then asked "have you ever fucked a girl with a cast?"
Was behind a guy going 20 for 4 miles I'll be there as soon as the universe quits fucking me
I was just doing the math on how much beer we need for the houseboat. in doing so, I came to the conclusion that we need to open a beer distributor business.
Well, I washed his beard with dish soap and then I fucked him three times.
We're living together and you don't know if I've seen Titanic?!
I can't find the remote or the Doritos. Someone call 911. S.O.S. I sent this in Braille.
We christened the whole apartment and fucked on the balcony. It was amazing. I'm 100% sure downtown heard me climax. Now we can unpack.
Yeah I'm just gonna shower and drink a gallon of coffee and drunkenly write my research paper. It'll be fine
Thanks to a bad fart decision during a production meeting, I am now on my way to Target to buy new pants. How is your day?
I had to say goodbye to one of my fuck buddies last night. He's voting for Trump, we shouldn't be doing it anyways.
I came back from England with a face tattoo and the only thing anyone can talk about is my beard.
Looks like taco salad for lunch. I may have died and gone to be better circle in hell than I thought.
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