Seriously. My exes act like they own shares of my vagina.
Well, in their defense, they have invested a lot of time and money
I have Retrograde Ejaculation as a side effect from one of my meds. Is this a respectable form of birth control?
You claimed your dick was a divining rod, spun in a circle 3 times and walked into the bar you stopped in front of...consequently there was a bikini shoot going on
You're mold. I may or maynot have puked blood this morning.
Someone want to explain the bottle of ranch I found in my pants
found a better reason to procrastinate than the usual sunday-don't-give-no-fucks. literally every one of my textbooks is soaked in captain. can't turn a page without gagging.
New found love of volunteering, when there's free wine available at all times. Good times. And I get to to feel good about helping people.
Can I please come dance in my bra to destiny's child with you? I'll bring the wine and the glitter
I'm really hot. went tanning and this cheeseburger shirt like isn't breathable
I know the wedding is going to be a good time, I don't have to wear a bra with my dress
Yeah because the only thing stopping you from fucking Emma Watson is you not being a Gryffindor
2016 is coming through for me, I'm renaming it the year of great dick
Also I just took the BEST ass selfie of my adult life.... it's gonna be a good day haha
Girl. There is no more toilet paper. You should have seen the twerking I just did to shake the pee off.
After she got off the phone with her mom she sprinted down the block screaming "I'M SO GOOD AT BEING A HUMAN!!!!!!!!!!!!!"
Randomize
